My personal "Best of the Vent"
How important does a person have to be before they're considered "assassinated" instead of "murdered"
I got sick of all the older aunts poking me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next." They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals
Guns don't kill - bullets kill. Guns just make bullets go really, really fast.
When republicans close an army base, they re "consolidating." When the democrats do it, they are "destroying the military"
Anyone who thinks that terrorism should be used as a reason to rewrite our Constitution has already admitted defeat.
The turn signal on my SUV is not on to ask permission to merge. It's a warning.
My fat friend is living beyond his seams
If you convert the temperature to Celsius, it's much cooler. In fact, I had to put on an overcoat today.
I just received my 68th speeding ticket. Do you think they're targeting me?
I can't figure out why war is conservative and peace is liberal
Some people are like Slinkys: Not good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs