Jay Leno - It's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

Why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army.

How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

FOR SALE: French rifles . . . never fired, only dropped once.

Dennis Miller -  "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says. "The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."